Sunday, December 17, 2006

2006: The Year in Penises

Brian
January: Washington’s Museum of Health and Medicine dispels the rumors that it has in its collection the severed, breathtakingly immense penis of John Dillinger. But the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History does have a mysterious synthetic phallus labeled “J. Dillinger”—and no one is sure where it came from.

February: A group of British surgeons announced the results of a survey of men who had undergone penis-enlargement surgery. Although they had gained about a half an inch on average, two thirds of men remain dissatisfied, but most of those had their spirits lifted once more when they were unexpectedly contacted by a wealthy Nigerian willing to transfer them thousands of dollars.

March: After going on a car-window-smashing rampage in Chicago’s Northwest Side, Jakub Fik was confronted by police. Running low on knifes to throw at the arresting officers, Fik severed his own penis and threw it at them. After he was detained, doctors were able to reattach the displaced member.

April: Florida zoologist Louis Guillette spoke out against the use of pesticides after finding that they decrease penis size. In baby alligators. Maybe baby boys, too.

May: An eighth-grade girl was suspended from her St. Louis school after she pulled down the pants and bit the penis of a six-year-old fellow rider on her school bus.

June: An Oklahoma jury convicted state judge Donald Thompson of indecent exposure for masturbating with a penis pump while sitting on the bench during three trials, two of which were murder cases. The Smoking Gun was there:
For example, on May 13, while he was presiding over State v. Kurt Arnold Vomberg (who was accused of killing his girlfriend's 21-month-old daughter), Thompson loudly pumped himself up. Two court employees told investigators that they saw Thompson (pictured in the mug shot at right) attach the suction device to his penis, while five jurors reported hearing whooshing sounds, which they thought were coming from either a bicycle pump, blood pressure cuff, or an air cushion on the judge's chair.

July: Two male contestants were kicked off Australia’s version of Big Brother after “turkey slapping” a female contestant: John Bric held Camilla Halliwell down on a bed while the appropriately surnamed Ashley Cox ran up and slapped her across the face with his penis.

August: Officials at O’Hare International Airport stopped twenty-nine-year-old Madin Azad Amin at security when he told them a suspicious object in his luggage was a bomb. He later disclosed that it was a penis pump, a fact he tried to cover up so his traveling companion, his mother, wouldn’t know he brought a sexual aid along with him. He had bought it on eBay from a judge who no longer needed it.

September: Though it is fairly routine for doctors to reattach the penises of the Jakub Fiks of the world, there had never been a successful penis transplant until doctors in China performed the surgery in September 2005. A year later, the forty-four-year-old recipient had to have the procedure reversed due to “severe psychological problems experienced by the man and his wife.”

October: In what was hailed as a victory for woodies with hoodies everywhere, an Illinois judge ruled that a nine-year-old boy did not have to have the circumcision his mother wanted for him. The boy’s father, his mother’s ex-husband, convinced the judge to allow the boy to wait until he was eighteen to decide for himself.

November: German sex-educators announced the development of spray-on condoms (and the GraveDigger brought it to you here first).

December: Providing another bullet point for the “pro” side of nine-year-old Chicagoans’ decision lists, an NIH study demonstrated that circumcised men are significantly less likely to contact HIV than their foreskinned counterparts. This prompted Slate’s Daniel Engber to explain how adult circumcision procedures work:
First, doctors inject some painkillers into the two nerves that connect into the base of the penis. (They might add a few more injections around the circumference of the shaft, to create what's called a "ring block.") Once the penis is good and numb, it's possible to gently detach the inside of the foreskin from the shaft by pushing a blunt probe between the two. Then it's time for the snipping.

The easiest way to do this is to use the "guided forceps" technique. In this procedure, the foreskin is grabbed and pulled forward over the head of the penis—called the glans—and clamped straight across with a long forceps. Now it's a cinch to cut the skin along the outside edge of the forceps, in much the way a barber might hold a lock of hair between his fingers and snip it with a pair of scissors. The metal arm of the forceps guides the incision and protects the head of the penis from injury.

And then, of course, Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg capped off a momentous year in the history of penises with a suggestion for the perfect holiday gift.

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