Cat Killing?
The Good Reverend
Approximately 70,000 dogs and cats are born in the U.S. each day, or 25,567,500 each year. Of these, roughly 54%, or 13,806,450, are cats. Since 34.5% of cats don't live to see their first birthday, we can assume that about 4,763,225 kittens die each year in the United States alone. We'll take for granted that God in His divine Wisdom purposely smote each of these kittens.
Let's assume that the idiom is talking only about male masturbation. Let's further assume, highly conservatively, that males do not start masturbating until they reach age 15. Of the total U.S. male population, 107,199,356 would then be masturbation-age males. Again, let's conservatively estimate that teenagers masturbate no more frequently than adults, and that all men masturbate an average of 20 times each month or 240 times per year. This means that each man in the United States masturbates approximately every 1.5 days. It also means that there are approximately 25,727,845,440 male masturbation sessions in the United States each year.
There are nearly 26 billion male masturbation sessions in the U.S., yet there are fewer than five million kitten deaths annually. Far from a one-to-one correlation, there are 5401.5 masturbation sessions for every single kitten death. This means that the average American man can masturbate regularly for 22.5 years before he is responsible for the death of a single kitten. Indeed, with a life expectancy of less than 75 years, the average man will be responsible for only two or three kitten deaths in a lifetime of vigorous masturbation.
Indexed by tags kittens, masturbation, kitten mortality rate, every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
posted at 1:59 PM
121 Comments:
Reverend,
You neglected in your study that cats have nine lives.
Good damned point
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Great article! But it has a major flaw: God Kills a Kitten whenever YOU masturbate, not when each American does so. So it only counts YOU, and it seems you have been mastrubating a lot! :)
Why have you made the assumption that the phrase only refers to male masterbation? If you can discriminate like that I can gt away with saying that clearly its aimed at females because only females care about kittens. That and the obviously link between cats and pussys.
[quote]nearly 26 billion male masturbation sessions[/quote]
Yikes. ^
Male only? There's female too?
What's the point of masturbation anyway?
"Why have you made the assumption that the phrase only refers to male masterbation? If you can discriminate like that I can gt away with saying that clearly its aimed at females because only females care about kittens. That and the obviously link between cats and pussys."
I think you're missing the point. Of course, we all know that women masturbate just as much as men. Well...maybe not just as much, but they still do it, lol. Anyway, I think it was just a hypothetical situation. It was supposed to be making the point that even if you completely ignore any statistics about female masturbation and only count the men, the deaths of the kittens STILL won't add up.
You all seem so concerned over girls masterbating... but as the 'rules' state. Everytime a boy masterbates god kills a kitten. Every a girl masterbates god gives the world a puppy. Time for more science to see if that one works.
So can we do the maths on this? The net rate of cat population increase/decrease should be directly equivalent to the difference in female and male masturbation rates... any studies out there?
Let's take 5 million kitten deaths and divide by the number of men of ostensible masturbation age, 107,199,356 (about 100 million). This allows one kitten death per year for each 20 men, far below any intuitive expectation of masturbation rate.
I'm only one guy, but is it possible that men masturbate once every day and a half, on average across all age groups? Who's doing it 10 times a day to balance out for me?
Apparently the reverent left out the married man who is either spending time with the inlaws or the large percentage of men who get hookers instead of masturbation, also I'd say that non-single men would probably lower their masturbation to every 5 or 6 days, due to girlfriend needyness issues. Just some thoughts.
Actually, God kills a kitten less then seven seconds, on average, after you begin masturbating, every time. The saying is 1 kitten every time, not 1 kitten for each time. That still means you needn't feel guilty, as that kitten is going to die anyway, because of all the other people.
God kills kittens in Heaven, not here.
as a keen female participant, further to comments posted below, am i entitled to call myself a dog breeder?
God gives the world a puppy every time a girl masturbates? Don't tell that to a 6 year old if they want a poodle for Christmas...
Why not include world population in the statistics? Why just blame the Americans?
Blame the Americans? Or someone? Hmm. Sounds like someone's still in the going-blind paradigm. Besides, while opening up the whole subject of Islamic masturbation might be highly enlightening, I'm a little worried about the reaction. Using the Good Reverend's approach, for example, assuming that 100,000 warriors have died over say the past 20 years (a conservative estimate), we're talking 7.2 million virgins. This would suggest a great deal of pre-death masturbation given the rather high rate of virginity at death...
I think the relevant age range here is 15-25 at most. After that, most people have sex instead....
Im glad to not be killing any kittens, but what about these damn hairy palms??!!
Hrm, well what the hell explains all the cat carcuses outside my house smothered in ejaculate????
"I think the relevant age range here is 15-25 at most. After that, most people have sex instead...."
Ah crap, really? I'm 33 and I do both. Sometimes at the same time.
I think you mean 3 to 6 times a day, unless your a teen, where it can jump up to 6-10 times a day.
I would also like to know what the consequences are when a girl masturbates you and vice versa? Something to do with gerbils possibly?
"and that all men masturbate an average of 20 times each month"
-- If you take the general population of "men" then I think this is a vast overestimation, not a "conservative estimate" at all. You neglect to factor in that a significant percentage of men will be in a relationship (where they do not need to masturbate, or at least very seldomly). Furthermore, elderly males can probably be left out entirely.
An interpretation of the warning could be that it's primarily directed towards youths and that God is not too concerned about a grown up married man having one off in the shower.
This, together with every cat's nine lives brings the statistics a lot closer, I believe. The whole theory might even be feasible!
I agree with keeping out non-Americans and women because according to God, women aren't proper human beings anyway, and frankly, women and non-Americans just aren't worth a cat's life because they'll never learn anyway.
*JACKS OFF*
The "Everytime you masterbate, God kills a kitten" phrase isn't some old addage..it was started by the guys at xxxchurch.com, the #1 Christian Porn Site. SFW..promise.
26 billion sessions seems really low to me... just sayin.
lol ohhhh mannnnn
Seared duck leg with a Cloudberry reduction and mashed carrot, ginger, and potato. Served with house vegetables. I once ordered that from a waitress named "Puss Puss". She was Swedish. Needless to say, I cranked one out later that night. When I returned to the restaurant the following week for the Prix Fixe, there she was, still alive.
As a Calvinist, I would have to say that God doesn't kill kittens because I masturbate. Quite the opposite. I masturbate because God kills kittens.
Your doctor said what???
You know, doctors say the most interesting things these days. At my initial physical the other day one of the subjective questions asked was "Are there any guns in the house?"
I asked the doctor why he'd ask such a thing and then it struck me, the AMA is VERY anti-gun. It makes sense, just think of the majority of cases that hit ER's all over the country.. gunshot wounds.
The doctor answered that in case there were kids in the house. I explained that there weren't any kids, nor would there be. Doc got a little red on that one.
..elderly males? they still do it, just may take 'em a bit longer to get that darn kitten up to heaven or to where ever...
Jerk! Thanks for ruining masturbation for me. The only way I could get off was to think of the kitten dying.
also, if you masturbate, this is the gross thing that happens with your palms:
http://skirmisher.org/weird-shit/extremely-bizarre-skin-growth-thatll-make-you-give-up-your-lunch/
masturbating makes your palms look like this: http://skirmisher.org/weird-shit/extremely-bizarre-skin-growth-thatll-make-you-give-up-your-lunch/
Maybe the "you" in the statement ("Everytime you masturbate...") wasn't directed at everyone, but at somebody in particular. God kills a kitten when someone masturbates, not just anyone.
In which case, you can run the math backwards and compute, from the number of kitten deaths per year, how often this person masturbates. A lot, I guess. He should be easy to find. Very calloused johnson, for example.
how is the average man responsible for kitten deaths when it says here that "God in His divine Wisdon purposely smote each of these kittens."
so, OK..you believe that God kills..sure..fine..and kills kittens as the price of touching yourself to orgasm...this is not doing God any favours in the polls for certain...my opinion...did He/She/It run out of Unicorns before moving on to kittens?...couldn't he do it to mosquitoes????...I'd join in enthusiastically if so.....perhaps even a Telethon with all the stars you ever wished for... :-) Yahoo!!!
you've misused "correlation," and this study does not look at correlation. Correlation involves the change of two values, not 2 distinct numbers.
In addition, you're assuming that people masturbate because they exist.
Whoa, hold the phone, sweetie.
Have you considered changing doctors?
The problem is fairly obvious right away. Your doctor. Try another one. Try a human who has been around the block a couple of times and doesn't think it is cool to go threatening innocent kitties just because you whacked off a little too much.
Seriously, whoa.
Your friend, Mary
marygodsbitch.blogspot.com
Who cares...
When ya gotta wack it, ya gotta wack it.
What happens when a cat masturbates?
Perhaps it's not done on a per session basis, but on a per-gallon produced... does the math get closer if you take that into account, or do we need to ramp it up to a standard-sized oil drum?
>Valerie said...
>What happens when a cat masturbates?
...Do you really want to know? Or did you never have the birds and the bees conversation? ;)
You could explain the effect if you would assume every time a woman masturbates, a kittens life is spared. So, if there are still kittens dying out there, you know who (or what) to blame.
With my respect to every comment posted here, I just have a question:
If after masturbation one kitten have to die, then how many must die when someone have illegal sex?10 kittens?
We all speak about masturbation, but forget that sex before marriage is an ultimate sin.
find a new doctor! any that would say that to a patient deserves to lose their license!
Damn. I hate cats. I thought I was killing one each time.
I was told if I didn't stop masturbating I would go blind, so I decided to do it until I needed glasses.
"Puss Puss" means "Kiss Kiss" in Swedish. And Cloudberries? Ew. Hate those things.
Someone asked why only Americans? Well, probably because he was looking at how many kittens die in America... Anyway only about 1 billion - 1.3 billion worldwide are Christians so looking on a global scale that's a factor 5 to consider. It would be kind of unfair if God killed kittens for the non-Christians as well.
What about mutual masturbation? Isn't that like almost sex?
Count me in
call_kirk
www.aceemploymentservices.net
But God loves all beings, how could he ever kill a nice kitten just because some dude is watchin porn an offloading in his bed?
I'm up with a nasty tooth ache but this still made me crack a smile. Thanks!
hahaha, good article! tis a good thing its not true, because i hate to be the cause of an animal's death...
though such idioms are unheard of in this part of the earth, i'd say.. NICE ARTICLE!
ps reverend, masteurbation is not sinful right?
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"Why have you made the assumption that the phrase only refers to male masterbation? If you can discriminate like that I can gt away with saying that clearly its aimed at females because only females care about kittens. That and the obviously link between cats and pussys."
LOL. LMAO.
http://neriaiansebastien.blogspot.com/
Hey I hope you don't mind I posted snapshots of your article on my blog and to comment about the debate.
As I said there, you have a good article but forgot one important fact about cats...THEY HAVE NINE LIVES
So if all Americans stop mastrubating, then all the kittens will live forever? Isn't nine lives enough? Is mastrubating just a means of controlling and limiting cat population?
Do you masturbate so much that you had to go to the doctor?
Just who is beating the bushes here;)
Signed,
The Toolguy
Who taught us that cats have nine lives?
Guiltridden reverends.
The hairy palms prove the spiritual link to the kittens. It's so obvious! Unless you're blind, like me.
"Illegal" sex vs masturbation: Thomas Aquinas opined that fornication (and, in fact, rape) were less sinful than masturbation, as they were less out of synch with the "reason" for sex: babies. This is exactly the same reasoning in use today in the Church to ban contraception, though I think they've decided that rape is worse than that.
As for the math, you have forgot the unborn cats. Since (to modern Republican thought) a zygote has all the rights of an actual human being*, and since as many as ten human zygotes die without ever being noticed...well, as we are the pinnacle of God's Creation (tm), we can only assume that the ratio for cats is 100:1 or 1000:1.
*perhaps because it's brainless "being" with no ability to think or feel, and so eminently equipped to vote for their candidates)
First, why the fuck would a doctor say that Kitti-quote?
Which doctor do you have to visit to get that thrown at your head? Urologist?
Certainly not. It's not bad for either your or your health to masturbate.
Proof me wrong.
But okay, you assume that people (boys/men) start masturbating with 15.
I assume, though, that _you_ started with 15.
That's probably why you talk about masturbating with you Urologist.
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No, no. The real point is that when you masturbate, you are showing your tomcat how to evade family responsibilities too. So. You masturbate, the cat sees it and does it too, thus wasting his creative juices in the back yard, yowling the whole way. AND, it turns out (some old monk did the math) that the number of wasted cat sperm is exactly equal to the wasted human sperm. Some kind of calculus involved, I really don't know the details...
Those of you who have suggested that married/dating men don't masturbate as much are flat wrong, and in fact likely have it backwards. My ex-g/f was so frustrating in that regard that I did a lot of kitten-slaying.
> I'm only one guy, but is it possible that
> men masturbate once every day and a half, on average
> across all age groups? Who's doing it 10 times a
> day to balance out for me?
/raises hand. Are you serious man... you only clean the plumbing once every couple of weeks? Perhaps you need to develop some technique.
The church say God kill a kitten for each of your masturbation, but they didn't say when. In addition to the fact that each kitten has 9 lives, not a single cat in the history will live forever. Instead cats will die sooner or later, either naturally or because of the God. Oh, did I mention nature? I just realise nature is created by the God, so nature kills a cat is not different from the God kills a cat. Although statistically the total number of masturbation men made might still be far bigger than the cats' total mortality rate. But our divine God will keep the difference in the balance sheet and promise some they he will either slower down masturbation rate, or to create more cats to kill, in order to keep the promise of one masturbate to one cat to kill in the end of the world.
>Valerie said...
>What happens when a cat masturbates?
...Do you really want to know? Or did you never have the birds and the bees conversation? ;) >>Let me rephrase that. Who DIES when a cat masturbates? :-p
You're assuming only domesticated cats and only domesticated cats in the United States.
Since God is(or may be) a global entity it should be safe to assume that He(it) would not be limited to killing domesticated US kittens.
It's possible your Onanistic behavior is resulting in wild kitten death in Darfur.
Won't you please think of the Sudanese kittens?
Every time my wife masturbates, a unicorn is born.
Heck, I've doubted this saying for years anyway. For sure I'd have killed mainland China's 10 year supply of kittens all by myself!
Perhaps there is a direct correlation between The Stroke and Kitty Death....perhaps it is a 1 to 1 ratio...perhaps we jerk faster than cats can produce smotable offspring. In this case, the deaths of the unborne are on loan. Now I feel guilty enough.
You're all forgetting - the "God kills a kitten..." phrase only applies to catholics. It's that whole guilt thing, you know...
for a more accurate study, you would need to ascertain from where the saying originally came from.
if it was british, for example, that would make a very great difference to the end statistic, because there are approxmiately 30 million males in the UK, 60 million people in total. this would reduce the number of annual sessions of masturbation quite drastically
According to these statistics, God kills a kitten everytime I masturbate.
Um - Get a new doctor!
i know for a fact that every time i masturbate with a little kitten as my suto love hole it dies so for me the statement is very true
Haha...why should you leave your women and non-americans out of this? Clearly...so you can masturbate :)
Perhaps it is not God who kills the kittens -- watch where your pointing that damned thing!
Perhaps female masturbation creates kittens and male masturbation kills them. That would explain the discrepency and would also allow us to formulate an accurate ratio of male to female masturbation.
Who really cares that much about cats? I mean if we were talking about dogs, I'd care, but cats? Please. Masturbate more.
What about the catsa that die over the age of 1 - you forgot about those - typical dumb ass american.
p.s. who cares about cats they are evil
"What about the catsa that die over the age of 1 - you forgot about those - typical dumb ass american."
Every time you masturbate, God kills a KITTEN. A KITTEN, FFS.
Who, exactly, is the dumb-ass then?
Based on numbers provided by an independent survey and the US Census, I've managed to compile the following numbers:
Average Masturbations / Month
> Males 17.2
> Females 6.2
Population
> Males (15+) 116,854,229
> Females (19+) 112,804,773
Total Average Masturbations / Month
> Males (15+) 2,009,892,738.8
> Females (19+) 699,389,592.6
> Total 2,709,282,331.4
Cats Born / Month
> 2,130,625
Kitten Deaths / Month
> 735,065
Masturbations / Kitten Death / Month
> 3685.77
it isn't an idiom
Everytime you kill a kitten, God masturbates.
Since there is no god, then obviously no kittens are being killed by masturbating Americans & other nationalities.
And besides, Cats Rule!!!
We all know that we should spay or neuter our pets. The population of stray cats continues to rise dispite that well meaning, and I'm sure at least partually effective campain. However, given the statistics here supplied by the reverend, I suspect more drastic action is required. Where'd I put that lotion...
http://sc.tri-bit.com/images/5/51/everytimeyousendthatfuckingpicturegodkillsadomokun.jpg#
'nuff said.
A hamster has more sense than most people
A hamster knows not to bite the hand that feeds it. A hamster is interested in life and inqusitive. And you give a hamster some food and it knows to save the food or the fish
www.fishlakemanitobanarrows.com/
www.bayareaword.com
I'm impressed with the enduring popularity of this post. I'd correct some of these commenters' misconceptions, but other commenters seem to be doing a pretty good job with that themselves.
Wait, so I'm not killing a kitten every time I pop off? Damn, I'm gonna have to try harder, then!
poor little kittens...................dont have a chance
Poor kitten! I do not see the connection. How could it be? If so, what to do? We will be feeling guilt every time.
OMG
The wife/unicorn comment...hilariuos, dude.
Thanks to all
why does everyone spell it "masterbate" ?
you guys are fucktards.
I wonder what god does if i kill a kitten
This just raises more questions than it answers:
1) what happens if someone masturbates a kitten? - I'm assuming God dies!
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http://www.vibration-station.co.uk
LOL If it keeps God Busy then it keeps us Busy - come and see, carry on all you lovely lovely men !!
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what happens when god masturbates?
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So... Every time god masturbates, a kitten grows hair on its paws?
:D
masturbation-age males - great term! However I guess that your masturbation level is too conservative. I know a lot of men who masturbate many times every day:)
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every time you masterbate chuck noris punches a mexican baby in the face
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The site that nada posted made me lol, http://skirmisher.org/weird-shit/extremely-bizarre-skin-growth-thatll-make-you-give-up-your-lunch/
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At Wankerparty, we reckon there are one and a half million women sorting themselves out at any one time.
You have the ability to download free psp games, no matter how old or new. They also make sure to give you the right software and detailed directions on how to download and transfer your games to PSP. I was really lucky I was able to find them.
Who masturbates 20 times a month? I would guess that 1-2 times a week is closer to average.
This is quite amusing, and I especially like that you even formulated a equation to figure out if God killing kittens every time a male masturbated. Good post!
Someone asked why only Americans? Well, probably because he was looking at how many kittens die in America... Anyway only about 1 billion - 1.3 billion worldwide are Christians so looking on a global scale that's a factor 5 to consider.online games. It would be kind of unfair if God killed kittens for the non-Christians as well.
Great job keep it up.
Good post. Thanks for sharing
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