Sunday, February 06, 2005

There are only two things I'm deathly afraid of in this world...(Part II)


...and the other one is Lawrence Welk.

Not the man, really. I've got nothing against him as a person. It's his show that scares the hell out of me.

I'm the only Welkaphobe I know, but I can't understand why this isn't one of the world's most widespread fears. Everything about the Lawrence Welk experience gives me an anxiety attack. The colors are so bright and fake, like a colorized movie. The people stand and smile politely, waving, singing, playing, all orderly and unoffensive. The camera seamlessly pans across, tracking, zooming, almost the opposite of Hitchcock but infinitely eerier.

I can't watch it. I have to leave the room. Staying, watching, letting it seep into my brain--that would lead to panic and suicidal thoughts.

The thing about the Lawrence Welk Show is, it's so sweet and earnest and polite and in-your-face wholesome that it forces me to realize, to know deep down in my bones, that something absolutely horrible is about to happen. People can't smile so much unless there is impending horror. I can't get the thought out of my head that something violent and terrifying is going to happen to all those happy, singing, family-entertaining people. Somebody's head is going to suddenly explode, or a huge amount of blood is going to soak those pretty pink dresses and blue suits. And the camera will just keep seamlessly tracking and zooming.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Brian, Brian.
The Lawrence Welk Show was taped many years ago. The man himself is dead and gone (and not in a bloody, horror-movie fashion as far as I know).

The puma I can understand.


Mrs. Good Reverend

5:38 PM  
Blogger The GraveDigger said...

Actually Mrs. Good Reverend, I killed dear Lawrence with my own bare hands. Then I served his remains to the police. Then I kept his bones and preserved them for my comparative collection.

If anything, I should be third on the list.

4:24 AM  
Blogger Chus said...

This is what I think: The Lawrence Welk Show

7:06 AM  

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